Transitions and Support

Transitions are hard. I’m feeling it because I’m in one now.

I recently lost someone I loved with whom I had shared 34 years of life and ministry. Joe Ann was nine days shy of 90 and her health was such that I would not have wished for her to stay. Although she is gone, I am still here and must go on living. It has been four months now and taking time to get out my fall and winter clothing and put away summer things pushed me to go through her belongings and do something with them.

To keep myself focused on the task, I asked a young friend to come and help me. We took care of most of her clothes in four hours. I decided what I would keep and she carted off sacks of things to donate. Then I sorted through her family pictures which are to be sent to her niece and found some items to pass along to others. It’s a beginning.

I lived alone for many years and I know I can do it again. But after 34 years of companionship and conversation and shared commitments, being alone doesn’t come without work. I am aware of my needs for some changing relationships in my life.

But awareness is not enough; it is the starting point. As Joe Ann used to say, “It’s the ticket for the movie but it’s not the movie.

Sometimes transitions are less difficult, especially when we initiate them and they are positive moves. But they are harder when they are unwanted and out of our control. The thing about transition is that it is about change – moving, adding, subtracting, modifying, adapting. Getting married, having a child, changing jobs, going away to school, moving to a new residence, retiring, getting divorced, dealing with illness, and losing someone we love are just some examples of transitions. Often they come in multiples.

Some of us deal with change better than others. But all of life is about change so it is wonderful when we have some kinds of support that make a difference for us as we move through the process.

Years ago, I read about three kinds of support important to help us make transitions in the healthiest way possible. They were described as a need for affection or to be loved, a need for affirmation or to be believed in, and a need for assistance or to be helped.

One fall when I was the principal of a K-12 Christian school, I thought it might be useful for all of us on the staff to be reminded that every child coming to school was transitioning to a new teacher, a new classroom, and new learning experiences, and some new relationships. Both to remind ourselves and to let the children know we were there to support them, I had heart-shaped campaign-style buttons made for all of us on the staff to wear as school began. They read: I love you. I believe in you. I will help you. I don’t know how much they meant to the students, but I know when I put mine on, I became more conscious of what my attitude, words, and behavior were to portray.

For a good part of my life, I went through various transitions without being able to articulate what it was I needed when I was feeling alone, inadequate, or anxious. Even if we can name what we are feeling, we may not know how to ask for help or where to find it. It is my tendency to protect myself by withdrawing rather than reaching out.

In my most painful transition, I also found that some of those close to me backed away out of fear of not knowing what to say or do. I felt it acutely in 1982 when my youngest sister committed suicide and left behind a husband and two children. Friends who were my greatest help were those who had learned their presence with me was more important that anything they could say.

The truth is that our needs are met in relationships, not a single relationship but multiple ones. None of us can meet all the relational needs of others when they are going through difficulties. And we cannot expect one person to meet all our needs when going through difficulties ourselves. And meeting needs or getting our needs met is not a one-and-done event. Change is a process that takes time.

At my age, I don’t have the daily contact with others I once had. I know that if I don’t take the initiative to build new or use current relationships to meet needs my life will become constricted and my world will grow smaller. I can’t let that happen.