Categories
Self Reflections

To Ponder: what is its meaning?

When I was a young teenager, I looked up a lot of words in the dictionary. Sometimes what I was looking for was a defintion that explained how the word works or how I could put it to work in my life. Take ponder, for example. I only had a King James translation of the Bible in my teen years and many words I read were not part of my daily vocabulary. Proverbs 4:26 read “Ponder the path of thy feet and let all thy ways be established.” Then, Proverbs 5:21 says, “For the ways of man are before the eyes of the Lord, and he pondereth all his goings.”

A modern translation uses the word “consider” in place of ponder in the fourth chapter of proverbs and “examines” for pondereth in the fifth chapter. But I actually like better the definition of ponder given by my pastor in a sermon many years ago. I noted it in my Bible. To ponder is “to weigh prayerfully; it is to give mental consideration with heart approval.” That helped. I find it a little more meaty or meaningful that simply “consider.”

Although we seldom use the word “ponder” these days, you may find the invitation to do so in thought questions at the end of Bible study guides. Rick Warren gave a “Point to Ponder” at the end of every chapter of The Purpose Driven Life.

So why am I writing about this? Maybe, because I’m doing a lot of it lately. But also, because I’m again reading the works of Henri Nouwen, an author whose writing causes me to exercise the process of pondering more than anyone else. Although I have about thirty of the books he wrote over his lifetime, I am just beginning to collect some of those in the Henri Nouwen Spirituality Series, a collection put together since his death. These books are on selected topics that were not the focus of a single one of his books but were addressed in many of his writings. These small volumes put together by others are made up laregly of excerpts from his writings.

Having been Joe Ann’s caregiver for a few years, I wanted to read A Spirituality of Caregiving. I got it this week and finished it this morning. In it I found so much to ponder. Perhaps I will write about some of it later.

What I most appreciate about Henri Nouwen’s approach to every aspect of life is that he was looking for the spirituality in living every part of life. It seems all too easy for me to mindlessly get on with the activities of daily living without mental consideration accompanied by heart approval of what is taking place. It is not about just doing what I am doing “as unto the Lord” but more importantly about what is He doing in me. I was reminded again that God is not loudly trying to get my attention. Becoming aware of the movement of the Spirit in my life requires silence and solitude.

What He is doing to transform me to His likeness is more important than what I am doing.

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Relationships Self Reflections

Never Too Late

When I started this blog last October, I had planned to post something each weekend. However, over the last month it hasn’t worked that way. Instead, it has been every other week. In the midst of other obligations, I am working to meet a deadline in completing my manuscript of the memoir to get it to a copy editor by March 1st.

Asking for forgiveness

People have shared with me and probably with you too the experience of having a disagreement, a falling-out, or something said or done in a relationship that was never resolved. Maybe words I regret or a tone of voice from yesterday, or something else that happened a week ago, a month ago, or even longer. I’ve not only heard this from others but I’ve also been guilty of it myself.

Because some of the problems seemed so small or so common, I never did anything about them. I rationalized. It’s history. It happened too long ago. They’ve probably forgotten all about it. But I was convicted that no matter how small it seemed to me or how long ago, if I remembered it, then it was not too small and probably the other person also remembered.

Several years ago I started practicing something I began advising others to do, i.e. to go back and say something like “Do you remember what I said to you last week Thursday when I was angry? I never should have spoken to you in the way I did. I want you to know I haven’t forgotten it and I’m asking you today to forgive me.”

Sometimes I’m not asking for forgiveness for what I said but for the way I said it. At other times, I have to say I was totally wrong about the whole matter. Also, it is not always about what was said or done. I can’t forget that some things I need forgiveness for are promises broken or expectations I created and then didn’t meet.

Those who work a Twleve Step program know that Step Nine is about making amends. When people start making their list of those whom they have harmed, they are often thinking of “big” things. But it is often the “little” things we ignore that slowly kill a relationship or cause love to die. Step Ten is about taking a daily inventory and “when we were wrong promptly admitted it.” What I am reminding myself is that when I’m not prompt in my admission, I don’t get a pass.

Expressing gratitude

While writing my memoir I found there was a person who appeared repeatedly doing significant things but she was never in the limelight and I hadn’t realized how valuable she was to me and the ministry. It has been fourteen years since I’ve seen her and I know I have not expressed to her the gratitude I feel even today.

Lord willing, I will see her this summer when I am planning to be in Slovakia. At the very least, she deserves a bouquet of flowers. As I have been reminded of her, I have thought how important it is to say thank you and I appreciate you. I also need to be specific about what the person said or did that made a difference in my day. These expressions can grow the love between us, enrich our lives, and bless the person who blessed us.

While writing this I had a picture in my mind of what the church would look like if everyone of us who needs to express gratitude to another showed up with a bouquet at the same time. It made me smile.

I want to not only be a more grateful person but also express my thankfulness. Just like asking for forgiveness has no expiration date, it is not too late to give thanks for something said or done a day ago, a month ago, or even fourteen years ago.

Categories
Relationships Self Reflections

The Love of Learning

The image above was painted by my dear friend, Johnni Johnson Scofield, who took up watercolor painting when she was close to 70. I have always called this painting her self-potrait. Johnni loved learning.

Earlier this week my bookcase looked liked this. Then, I invited a young pastor, who is a real student of God’s Word, to come and help himself to what he wanted of Joe Ann’s theological library, half of what you see on these shelves. There is a wealth of theological exposition in those volumes; just looking at them made me feel rich. But like all of our riches, what good are they if they are not used? I picked up a volume of the set of fouteen by Martyn Lloyd-Jones on the book of Romans and paged through it. The underlining and the notes show they were used by Joe Ann. As much as I think I would use that set, I know I will not. Why should they and others be left until I die?

When he left my house, the bookcase looked like this and I was deeply satisfied. The exercise of relinquishing treasured things has been good for me. It was a reminder that there is much more I need to release that can be used by others. I don’t make New Year’s resolutions but I am hoping that I will expend the time and energy in the months ahead to let go of more tangible objects. I suppose the reason I have so many in my storage area is that it is the easiest place to put something I no longer need or use or that is taking up space I want for something else. It takes thought and work to decide what is junk that needs to be discarded, what needs to be given away and where or to whom, and what should be kept and why.

My bookshelves are full again. They now hold books with my notes and underlining. As I sat quietly this morning sipping a cup of coffee with my little dog on my lap, I began to think of intangible things I also need to look at and about which I need to make some decisions. Just as we sort through piles of material things and put them in boxes to be dumped, given away, or kept, I know I have a storage room in my head that needs to be decluttered. There are things there to let go of that are junk and of no use to me or anyone. I have tried over the years not to allow too much of that in my storage area. But there are many more things that if I took them out, unwrapped them, or dusted them off would be wanted and useful to someone.

Don’t we all have things like that we should and could let go of? One of the greatest things I learned from those who see the value of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and practice them is that they share their experience, strength and hope with others. And those who hear them can take or leave what they want and can use. AA and similar meetings remind me of a potluck where everyone brings something to share and all those attending can take what they want. If you come to a potluck without anything yourself, there is more than enough to go around.

There have been more times than I care to remember when I have left a person or a group and felt stingy. I really hate that word and I hate that feeling. Not offering a word of encouragement. Not acknowledging someone’s pain. Failing to give praise due. Not extending my hand to touch or arms to embrace. Holding back a compliment needed for a good effort or a task completed. Not seeing something and saying something.

I know the greatest gifts we have to give one another are not tangible. I started out writing about the love of learning and it seems that I may have taken a detour. Not really. I have gained much that is intangible from tangible things like books. But maybe more of what I have learned is from the stories of people’s lives spoken and unspoken but shared. I have nothing new to pass on. Like giving away Joe Ann’s used books, I’m just passing along what has been underlined in my own life. Those tested and worn gifts are what I like best from others too.

One man gives freely, yet gains even more: another withholds unduly, but comes to proverty. A generous man will prosper; he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.

Proverbs 11: 24-25

Categories
Self Reflections

If it’s worth doing…

You all know how to finish the title sentence above, right?

As an undergraduate student at Texas Woman’s University, I had a teacher who was stunning in the way she looked every day. She was dressed impeccably, hair and make-up perfect; she was never in a hurry and never seemed to get ruffled. When she walked into the room I always looked at her from head to toe to see if there was any flaw. She always knew the content she was teaching and presented it well. She seemed so put together in every way that she was intimidating.

Imagine the surprise of our undergraduate sociology class one morning when Miss Porter began the class by saying “Think about this. If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing poorly.”

Had she finally made a mistake? Had she misspoken? Apparently not because she repeated the statement and added, “Is that good advice? Why would anyone say that?

She wanted some response from us and she got some feedback. Some said it might have been said as a joke or an excuse, or said to provoke an argument. The responses came without giving the statement serious thought and the preponderance of responses was that it was not good advice.

When the input ceased, Miss Porter went on, “Imagine that someone did make that statement and that it was good advice. In what context might that take place?”

Our thinking took a turn and the comments were a bit more thoughtful until we came to a point of seeing that if someone has something valuable to offer another – a product, a program, a proposal, or anything of any kind – it was not necessarily a good thing to wait until you had it perfected.

While some people do shabby work and are willing to put anything forth and consider it “good enough”, there are others who offer nothing because it just is not right yet. They are paralyzed by their perfectionism. Or maybe fear.

Courage to try

The first time we do anything we are by definition doing it without experience. We can get advice from those with experience, we can learn and prepare, and then we try to our best according to the ability we have.

If I think back on every area of ministry in which I have worked, I realize that there was always an element of fear of not being able to do it well when I started out.

When I was a teenager, I was asked for the first time to teach a weekly Sunday school class for young children in an afternoon outreach ministry. I said yes, although I wasn’t sure I could do it. I know I wasn’t a great teacher but I learned from the experience -preparing, presenting, listening, responding, handling a group, and more. The next opportunity to teach was not quite as scary and I found that I liked teaching. The more I taught, the more I enjoyed it.

Many times I heard Joe Ann say to people, “Obey the light you have and your light will increase. Disobey the light and your darkness will increase.” When I said yes to an adult who asked me as a teen to teach, I had no sense that I could do it, but he believed I could. He held out a light and offered it to me. I took it and it was fanned into a bigger light. Eventually, I learned that sometimes God uses the potential others see in us as the light we need to obey.

Responsibility to challenge

As I’ve gotten older, I have also learned that sometimes I need to be the one that recognizes potential in another and offers them that light. Although I was not able to articulate this in the past, I know that I have been doing it without awareness. Now I see that being observant of those coming along and challenging them to do what they think they can’t do is a responsibility I have.

At a farewell celebration for a young woman who was venturing out on a career that was going to take her overseas I overheard an older man say to her, “My wife and I are very proud of you. We saw things in you that made us know that you were the kind of girl who would do something like this.” Her reply, though not accusatory, was a question. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

Complimenting the effort

I loved watching Joe Ann work with a music group because she worked for excellence not perfection. When it was time to perform, they performed and she said to them afterward, “You did well for where you are.” It was a compliment that came with a challenge to improve.

None of us will ever go from doing nothing to doing something perfectly. If it is worth doing, we need to be willing to do it poorly to the best of our ability with the promise to keep on trying.

When we make maximum use of what we learn from our experience, it is always better next time. We tweak what needs little adjustments. We add, substract, change, modify, adjust, and more.

Assessing the worth

I read somewhere that when people have a vision for a ministry and decide to lauch it, they should ask themselves if they are willing to stay with it for three to five years. Why? Because it will take that long to establish it to the point it can be handed off to someone else.

When I look back on our years in Slovakia, I see that those things that have lasted beyond us and grown were those undertakings we at first did poorly but found worthy of working at and investing in. Also, the people in whom we saw potential and confronted with their own gifts and emerging abilities, have blossomed.

Now that I find myself at a new time and place in my life, I am asking what is so valuable that I should invest my time, my energy, my material resources, my heart, my life into it? What is so valuable that I will stick with it no matter what happens?

Where do I find my answers? I ask God to give me a passion for what he has for me. Then, I ask for direction and courage to follow the light in that passion. The older I get the more I realize that the new things I find worthy of doing I will do poorly, but I’m willing to keep trying.

Categories
Self Reflections

Then and Now

All that you are ever to be you may already have been.

Bob Pierce

I am adding a new category this week called self-reflection. I do a good bit of it these days and decided to share some of my thoughts.

Then

Bob Pierce, founder of World Vision, came to speak at our church in the 1950s when I was in my early teens. I don’t remember anything he said except the quote above. As a young teen my head was full of the future and what I wanted to do and be someday. I was imaging a long life ahead of me and plenty of time to do all the things I dreamed of.

I was aware of the question “What is your life?” in the New Testament book of James and the answer that follows, “You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” But I don’t think I applied it to myself at thirteen or fourteen until I heard the statement from Bob Pierce that night. It jolted me into considering the present and I resolved to make now count.

Over the years, every time someone I knew seemed to die too young – a high school classmate who died over the summer after our freshman year, my Aunt Gert’s nephew, Warren, who died in a auto crash at eighteen, my niece, Gwen, whose life ended of cancer before she was forty – I thought of this statement. It caused me to take a fresh look at what I was doing with life at that moment.

Joe Ann was sixty-five when we went to Slovakia and seventy-seven when we returned to the U.S. By the way she lived her life, she didn’t say at that time or anytime, “I’m content with what I’ve been and done. It is now time to relax, retire, and take it easy.” Of course, what she was able to do changed with age, health, energy, and other limitations, but it didn’t diminish who she was; until the end she was living her life aware of the importance of now.

Now

My dear friend, Frances Fuller, who finished a book called Helping Yourself Grow Old at age ninety is continuing to make positive contributions to the lives of others in a number of ways. Her writing today is still about aging and can be found in her blog.

There are others around me both my age and older who are also good role models for me by enriching the lives of their familes, friends, and others as they live each day in menaingful ways with gratitude for the gift of now.

When I was working on my doctorate in sociology, my related field of study was gerontology. Then, I studied aging and now I am one of the aged. The quote from Bob Pearce that spoke to me deeply when I was a young teen is still relevant to my life today. Whatever happens to me in the years ahead, I want to continue being and doing with purpose.